He is freaking here!!! (well possibly)

I don't want him near me at all!!!

If he keeps on asking me about my boyfriend and I, then I swear to the god of all bitches that I am going to give it to him BIG TIME!!!

*calms down*

I am trying to grow my hair. I kinda like Adam's hair (vocalist of Marron 5) and I'm attempting to copy it and see if it works for me. I've been having my hair shaved for quite a while now and I'm excited and nervous at the same time to try a new do this time. However, it actually takes me 3hours prep time for work. That includes working out, smoking, bathing and having breakfast. Yes! It takes three hours for me to do those things since theres always my "tunganga" and "emote" moments in between. If I'm going to grow my hair, I need an additional hour for just trying to get that "hair that looks the owner doesnt care about his hair" look that actually takes a lot of "caring" to do.

Aaaaannnddd.....last weekend while having a bland night out with my boyfriend and his friends (they had fun.i didnt), I realized how awful it is to be in a relationship. You loose control on some things like dealing with the people he's with. Like some of my boyfriend's friends. I dont like them at all. They are loud and a little pretentious. I'd rather be dead than be seen hanging out with them but I have no choice but to see them and worse, talk to them just because they are your boyfriends friends.

And dont you just hate it when people stare at your boyfriend?! I am a very confident person but sometimes I cant help but feel jealous!!! Especially if the person staring is attractive or worse the type who your boyfriend will gaga for! I just hate hate hate the feeling of being jealous! Not because he might be getting more attention from people but because of the fact that you know that your boyfriend definitely also checked that person out plainly because the person is his type! If I'm single, then I dont give a motherfuck who he flirts with.

If I'm single, I will have more control of my life especially with my feelings. But now I'm in a relationship, some of my decisions and feelings depend on the other person who I'm emotionally attched with. Problem is, I dont and theres no way of knowing what that other person is exactly feeling or planning everyday, every minute and every second. I can always ask but I'm still not sure if he's going to tell me the truth or he's only telling me what I wanted to hear. Sure you will tell me to just trust my boyfriend. But is it really good for me to trust him with everything? Because if something goes wrong in the relationship which one hurts more... "I fucking knew it" or "I didnt see that coming"?

With all these rantings about my realtionship, I am still in it. I am still hanging on to it. I am still living in it. Because I still love him.

I wish sometimes I could just love a spoon for I know exactly what a spoon is for. Not like my boyfriend. He is a person. Complex and unpredictable, capable of doing good and bad.

But IF EVER this relationship ends, I am absofuckinglutely staying single. : )